Wow, to say that my life the past 6 months has been a rollercoaster would be a grand understatement. The past month or so of that six has been particularly tumultuous. Ironically, I feel happier and more content in many ways than I've felt in a while.I always knew that I was someone who dealt with change well, but I'm realizing more and more that I, in fact, NEED change in my life. I need to shed my skin, sweep the dust out the door and change my course every once in a while in order to stay sane and to feel in control of and happy about my life. It jolts me out of complacency! And it's a good thing, too, because I've had more changes in my life in the past few months than is reasonable. On the other hand, I've learned more lessons than I ever have before - both positive and negative (mostly the former).
For example, I realized who my true friends are and this can be a good and bad thing all at once - it's a good thing because I now know what people are better eliminated from my life, and it's a bad thing because it's depressing to find out that you don't have as much support behind you as you once thought you had. Not to mention feeling like you've lost a piece of yourself and your life experience. However, I'm not one to point fingers (this is partially my fault as well) and a lot of this is due to circumstances out of the control of mere humans (schedules, diverging interests and priorities). And this has forced to get out and hang out with new friends, or rediscover old ones (or ones that were "occasional", that I'd hoped would become good friends but never quite got there), and that's been a lovely experience.
I've also learned that you can't change people - well, sometimes you can for the better or worse, but not fundamental, deep down, ingrained parts of their character and personality. Come to that, you shouldn't try to change these parts of anyone, just as you shouldn't change yours for anyone else. If you have to change who you are to be with someone, than they are not the right person for you. On another note, don't settle - even though you care about someone and they have good qualities, this still does not mean they are the right person for you, esp. if there seems to you that there's something missing. You'll miss out on so much if you settle too early and for the wrong reasons. Now I'm naturally cynical, so I'm not inclined to subscribe to the Rom-Com-true love-there's someone out there everyone's meant to be with forever-cheesy school of thought. But, I do believe in karma - good things come to those who wait and if you live your life for YOU and work as hard as you can on yourself, that good things will come your way.
I'm been finding more and more that the harder you push sometimes, the harder things lean in the opposite direction (and this goes for anything in life, not just people). It's, of course, always a good idea to plan ahead and be organized if you can, but the fact is, life isn't organized. And just because you try and organize things a certain way does not mean that it will fall into place just as you expect. In fact, more often than not this is NOT the case. The key is to not have high expectations. I'm learning more and more to let go of control and accept this fact; to be more easygoing and spontaneous; live more in the moment and not next year. Besides, the seeds that are to be sown next year need to be planted and cultivated now (ooooo, how deep ;p)
I've always been an independent person also, but I've realized now more than ever that you can (sometimes) only rely on yourself, and if you can't rely on yourself you aren't going to be able to make anyone else rely on you. As self-absorbed as it sounds, you really do need to "look out for number 1". You need to listen to what your body and mind are trying to tell you. You should want the same things and the other person shouldn't make you stressed, worried, and moody on a daily basis - relationships are work, but they're not supposed to be that much work, otherwise why bother?
I've realized that I need time alone and I need to have space to do what I want and build my life the way I want without distractions. I've come to the realization that I'm a quiet person sometimes, and I'm ok with that; there's no point in trying to change it or be ashamed of it. I've realized I'm a very tough person who can bounce back pretty quickly from anything without help from anyone else. I can meet challenges head on, look them in the face and laugh. I want to see the world and I want to contribute to it in some meaningful way.
So, where do I go from here? I'm not sure, but I'm taking it day by day and this is one of the most exciting times in my life to date. I'm making plans and goals and I will stick with them no question, even if I have to kick myself in the ass so many times it hurts. At the same time, if plans and goals don't pan out, I will change my tactics and direction and try again. Sometimes this is a sign that you're not going the right way anyway.
I'm not doing the half-marathon I was planning on, but I am planning on sticking with running (weight loss is a MAJOR goal for me from now til Christmas) and I am formulating ideas in my head for a trip to California in January (and possibly moving there, or somewhere similar long-term once my job here at PS is finished next summer) and possibly buying a Vespa in the spring (tee hee, these ideas make me giggle with excitement, no matter how crazy they sound).
I'm going to focus 110% on my job and doing it well and leaving an impression. I've joined a local Meet Up group to (hopefully) make new friends and get out to as many fun events as I can. I'm attempting to work on keeping in touch with friends and cultivating my important relationships more deeply. And, I'm not going to tie myself down to one person for a while, at least not seriously, until I can achieve some of these things I've set out for myself.
I feel as though I was walking down a road and all of a sudden I've turned and am walking down a completely different one. Or perhaps I've reached a fork and am still trying to decide which prong to follow, I dunno. Either way, that old path has ended and I must choose a new one, or several. This is a scary and overwhelming thought, but it's also so exciting it makes my mind race. The one thing I know for sure is that no matter what's around that bend - I'll be ready for it.
